Recently someone told me that I kinda
had a 70's air about me. I guess there is some truth about that but
if they only knew the whole of it. In the mid 90's when I got
married my wife was managing a second hand thrift store. At the time
I had been wearing a few shirts that I really loved but they were
throwbacks to the 70's no doubt about it. My wife had decided that I
was out of style. Now that was something that I had heard before.
But now that I was married my wife decided that it was time to do
something about it. She took my shirts a few slacks and a couple of
other items of mine to the shop and sold them in the vintage section.
The store made a boat load of money off of my things. My wife
explained that there was great interest in vintage things among young
people. They bought my things to wear them. I guess that I should
feel proud that they wanted to wear the things I had been wearing but
that's just it, I had been wearing them. My wife complained that
they wore them to be nostalgic I just wore them. Even after all
these years I still fail to see the difference. She tells me to get
over it.
But this got me to thinking about just
how much we allow others expectations to determine what we do, what
we wear and who we are. In short we allow other people to live our
life for us and we don't even recognize it. Now in some ways this
is a good idea. To excel in school or work because our parents or
peers expect it is good. To be a good law abiding citizen because
it's expected is good for you and society. Sometimes others
expectations of us can cause us to be a better person than we would
have been on our own. This I would agree can be a good thing.
But there are many instances where this
may be a detriment to our lives. This is something I've had to face
in my own life and learn the hard way. Barbara Mandrell, a country
singer, had a song a good many years ago that said, “I was country
when country wasn't cool.” I identify with that song because that
was me. In junior high school I was into country music and I can tell
you that it wasn't cool there. I stood out like a sore thumb and
got lots of ribbing about it. But it was me, it was what spoke to me
it was what I liked. Even at that young age I wouldn't allow others
ideas to live my life. A few years down the road bluegrass music
started to attract me. Later still when I got into the ministry
things changed. As a Christian and a minister it's only proper that
I begin to listen to Christian music. My old loves of country and
bluegrass music were forgotten and I was listening to Christian
music. Mostly contemporary Christian music because that's what the
radio stations were playing. I reasoned, I'm a Christian, a pastor
it's only proper, it's what's expected, it's the Christian thing to
do.
A little later I came to the dark time
of my life. For a couple of years I was dead. Dead emotionally and
dead spiritually. It was a dangerous period of time. I've written
about it before. My wife threatened divorce unless I sought therapy,
reluctantly I consented. For a while nothing seemed to be happening.
The therapist threatened to reduce our sessions. Then one morning
while I was getting ready for work and listening to a Christian radio
station, as I always did, something clicked in me. I stood there and
said out loud, “why am I listening to this, I hate this style of
music, I always have hated this style of music, why do I listen to
this every single day?” This was the beginning for me, the point
where healing could start.
Whether people expected me to be a
certain way or whether I just thought people were expecting it,
living to their expectations was quite literally killing me. I had
to begin being true to myself again. I had to listen to the music
that moved me. Do the things that were special to me and spoke to
me. There are many area's of my life that I had to take back and be
true to myself.
For a crossdresser, transgender,
transsexual this can be a critical issue. Our society has very clear
ideas about gender roles. Those that dare transgress those roles may
be vilified and called any thing from a pervert to an abomination.
Those that have a personality that needs approval of others or live
up-to the expectations of others will have a much harder time than
those who like myself have bucked those expectations all our lives.
I needed to be reminded of my youth and return to that mindset before
I would be prepared to finally deal with being a transgender
individual. I had to get past living up-to what I believed others
expected of me. I am transgender, transsexual afflicted with GID. I
will be misunderstood by many who know me, perhaps vilified by some
and shunned by others. I am now OK with that. I have found a
measure of mental healing and am better spiritually than ever in my
life. I was country when country wasn't cool. I can be transgender
when being transgender isn't cool.
But I still don't understand why I
couldn't wear those shirts when others would wear them to be
nostalgic
Anita
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