Transsexualism has seen a bit of media
attention in recent years. It seems every TV talk show has had a
special on this issue. Several movies and documentaries have seen
the light of day as of late. Largely the attention has been on
young children or teens that have always known and felt that they
were born in the wrong body. There seems to be increasing support
and sympathy for these young people yet at the same time there is
some controversy about starting them on ant-androgens to delay the
onset of puberty. Going this route as many advantages for the true
transsexual individuals and can make it vastly easier for their
transition to their true gender. But I understand for the majority
of us this realization of our true nature sets in our teens. This is
true of myself I was in my teens when this realization took hold of
me and when it did it hit me hard.
I clearly remember a time in my teen
years wondering what was wrong with me. There were many times I
would take long walks wondering what was wrong, what was different
about me. For several years this continued. I never mentioned it to
anyone and there was no one for me to talk to. Then one day I came
across an article about someone that had undergone gender
reassignment surgery. It was like the smashing of a wall the
blinders were removed, I could see. I've never been the same since
that moment. It hit me like a load of bricks. Years of pressure to
conform, to live up to societies expectations of what a boy should be
were suddenly undone. In an instant my true nature had finally been
revealed. While all my friends and family were making fun of this
individual I knew I would have given anything to have been born
female or to become female. In all the decades since that moment
this desire, this dream for lack of a better word, has never lessened
nor abated one bit.
I began to seek out short articles and
stories of others that had gone the same route. Or at least I did so
when no one else was around to see me doing so. This idea of
transcending ones birth gender was not very well accepted in those
days. I would dream about being female, presenting as female, living
as female. Yet I knew I could never do so. No one around me would
accept it and I believed I didn't have the body for it. I could
never pass as female. I would never be female. I told myself that
it could never be. So I settled for the fact that I could, at best,
only be a guy in a dress. So for many years whenever I had the
opportunity and when no one was around I would dress in female
clothes and dream of being female. It was my last thought each night
before I went to sleep and my first thought in the morning. It was
my dream. Yet for so many years, decades even, I never mentioned a
word to anyone else. It was my private dream and my private hell.
I also believed it when others would
say that doing this was wrong and a great sin. This led me to try,
on many occasions, to exterminate this thing from my life. But no
matter how hard I tried the dream refused to die, it was always there
taunting me whenever I was alone. I would stop cross-dressing and
get rid of everything yet the dream refused to die. The longer I
refused to do it the more intense the dream would become until at
some point the pressure would become over powering and I had to
indulge once again. I was locked into a pattern of indulgence and
guilt, purging and rejection. Every passing year this battle wore on
me slowly taking me down a black hole in my life. I was slowly
sinking into hell. For when one tries so hard to eradicate a dream
as powerful as one's true nature it's bound to have consequences.
And through all this the dream refused to die.
In recent years I realized I had to
come to a decision. I could either continue to fight this dream and
ultimately be destroyed doing so or begin to embrace it. I didn't
want to be destroyed, I no longer wanted to live in my private hell.
It is time to embrace the dream. I have been, slowly working towards
becoming the female I've always needed to be. The more time I spend
as Anita the better I get at being female and the better I feel. As
Anita I feel most like me. I am starting to live the dream, the
dream of a life time. I was not born female but perhaps I can at
least live as female after all.
Living this dream has been costly.
I've lost my ministry, my church, my pension and my home. My wife and
I have separated. It remains to be seen how much more living the
dream will cost me in money, friends, family and perhaps other jobs.
I've had to find a new church that can embrace Anita even as I've had
to learn to embrace Anita. Yes living the dream can be costly. Is
it worth it?
A resounding YES. I'm living the dream
of a lifetime. I only wish I had begun to live the dream long ago.
But perhaps I needed to go through the hell that I did so that I
would know the value living the dream, living my true nature really
is. I do pray that others may learn the value of living their true
nature without having to go through the hell I did. Perhaps I can be
of some help. Perhaps my story can help someone else come to terms
with their true nature.
Anita
