A Leopard's Spots

The old proverb said, “A Leopard cannot change his spots.” There are certain things that are intrinsic to a creatures being things that they cannot change. There is nothing a Leopard can do about his spots, he can't change the color of them, the number of them or the arrangement of them. Likewise there are certain intrinsic characteristics to us as human beings that we cannot change.

Exodus international was perhaps the first and largest supporters of conversion therapy. They supported conversion therapy for both homosexuality and transgender individuals. So their recent decision to close came somewhat of a shock to me. Exodus international has stated that just like our leopard, there are somethings that are intrinsic to a person over which they have no power to change.

One of Exodus International's co-founders Michael Bussee issued an apology for his involvement in promoting orientation change through Exodus. Also apologizing were Jeremy Marks, former president of Exodus International Europe, and Darlene Bogle, the founder of Paraklete Ministries, an Exodus referral agency. The apology stated in part "Some who heard our message were compelled to try to change an integral part of themselves, bringing harm to themselves and their families." In April 2010, Bussee stated, "I never saw one of our members or other Exodus leaders or other Exodus members become heterosexual, so deep down I knew that it wasn’t true."

Coleman and Drescher argue that a preponderance of evidence demonstrates that homosexuality is not changeable. Drescher argues that "the sum of all the literature does not indicate that [reparative therapeutic techniques] are effective."

In January 2012 then- president of Exodus International Alan Chambers, during his address to a Gay Christian Network conference, stated that 99.9% of conversion therapy participants do not experience any change to their sexuality and apologized for the previous Exodus slogan "Change Is Possible"

Chambers stated that his next ministry would be different: "Our goals are to reduce fear and come alongside churches to become safe, welcoming and mutually transforming communities. What a change, someone that supported attempts to change the LBGT community is now considering helping churches to become welcoming and supportive to the LBGT communities. Some changes are possible such as this, that an organization (or a person) finally accepts the truth and allows that truth to change their attitudes and goals.

During my long struggle with being transgender I used to often read about Exodus International or hear them on some radio program. I heard several transgender individuals give their testimony about how they were cured and made well. This of course just reinforced my thoughts about how wrong this was and added to my sense of guilt. I'd hear the stories of a transgender individual that would say they were now a happy well adjusted normal person (what is normal anyhow) and I would wonder why that couldn't happen to me. I must say that it wasn't Exodus International that caused me to resist and suppress being transgender for so long, it was just one more pressure on me to conform, to change. I've written before about the years of suppression and those results.

Just like the leaders of Exodus I had to come to the truth that there is something intrinsic to who I am that I cannot change. It didn't come overnight nor easily but I was finally able to come to terms with the female in me and work with it instead of against it. For in working against it I was working against myself. Now as I work with my nature and make allowance for it I find a closeness and a dependability on God that I never had before.

Of course you know that there are a number of organizations that have made there disappointment with Exodus International clear. I read the response of an Exodus spin off claim that Exodus International lost their focus and their God given purpose. I can imagine that there are individuals from my former Christian circles that believe the same about me. Some might even believe that I've left Christianity altogether. I have started attending a different church because of my situation today. Not long ago I read what someone stated about the church I've been attending, that they “have left the clear teaching of the Bible.” (I would like to state for the record that what that usually means is the clear teaching of the Bible according to the interpretation of their favorite religious figure.) I liked the response of a member who said that they stand for being Christ-ian. What I've learned is that being Christian does not necessarily mean being christ-like. I've long stated that sometimes childlikeness is the most missing thing in the church today. It is this Christ-likeness that has enabled me to finally come to terms with being transgender and being a Christian. I spent most of my Bible reading time in the four gospels, I want to know Christ, what he was like, how would he respond, how did he love?

There are many voices in Christian circles that will tell us how we've lost our focus, lost our purpose and left the clear teaching of the Bible. But it comes to my mind that the church of the day and good church going people of the day were convinced that Jesus was evil itself. The more things change the more they stay the same.

Living the Dream

Transsexualism has seen a bit of media attention in recent years. It seems every TV talk show has had a special on this issue. Several movies and documentaries have seen the light of day as of late. Largely the attention has been on young children or teens that have always known and felt that they were born in the wrong body. There seems to be increasing support and sympathy for these young people yet at the same time there is some controversy about starting them on ant-androgens to delay the onset of puberty. Going this route as many advantages for the true transsexual individuals and can make it vastly easier for their transition to their true gender. But I understand for the majority of us this realization of our true nature sets in our teens. This is true of myself I was in my teens when this realization took hold of me and when it did it hit me hard.

I clearly remember a time in my teen years wondering what was wrong with me. There were many times I would take long walks wondering what was wrong, what was different about me. For several years this continued. I never mentioned it to anyone and there was no one for me to talk to. Then one day I came across an article about someone that had undergone gender reassignment surgery. It was like the smashing of a wall the blinders were removed, I could see. I've never been the same since that moment. It hit me like a load of bricks. Years of pressure to conform, to live up to societies expectations of what a boy should be were suddenly undone. In an instant my true nature had finally been revealed. While all my friends and family were making fun of this individual I knew I would have given anything to have been born female or to become female. In all the decades since that moment this desire, this dream for lack of a better word, has never lessened nor abated one bit.

I began to seek out short articles and stories of others that had gone the same route. Or at least I did so when no one else was around to see me doing so. This idea of transcending ones birth gender was not very well accepted in those days. I would dream about being female, presenting as female, living as female. Yet I knew I could never do so. No one around me would accept it and I believed I didn't have the body for it. I could never pass as female. I would never be female. I told myself that it could never be. So I settled for the fact that I could, at best, only be a guy in a dress. So for many years whenever I had the opportunity and when no one was around I would dress in female clothes and dream of being female. It was my last thought each night before I went to sleep and my first thought in the morning. It was my dream. Yet for so many years, decades even, I never mentioned a word to anyone else. It was my private dream and my private hell.

I also believed it when others would say that doing this was wrong and a great sin. This led me to try, on many occasions, to exterminate this thing from my life. But no matter how hard I tried the dream refused to die, it was always there taunting me whenever I was alone. I would stop cross-dressing and get rid of everything yet the dream refused to die. The longer I refused to do it the more intense the dream would become until at some point the pressure would become over powering and I had to indulge once again. I was locked into a pattern of indulgence and guilt, purging and rejection. Every passing year this battle wore on me slowly taking me down a black hole in my life. I was slowly sinking into hell. For when one tries so hard to eradicate a dream as powerful as one's true nature it's bound to have consequences. And through all this the dream refused to die.

In recent years I realized I had to come to a decision. I could either continue to fight this dream and ultimately be destroyed doing so or begin to embrace it. I didn't want to be destroyed, I no longer wanted to live in my private hell. It is time to embrace the dream. I have been, slowly working towards becoming the female I've always needed to be. The more time I spend as Anita the better I get at being female and the better I feel. As Anita I feel most like me. I am starting to live the dream, the dream of a life time. I was not born female but perhaps I can at least live as female after all.

Living this dream has been costly. I've lost my ministry, my church, my pension and my home. My wife and I have separated. It remains to be seen how much more living the dream will cost me in money, friends, family and perhaps other jobs. I've had to find a new church that can embrace Anita even as I've had to learn to embrace Anita. Yes living the dream can be costly. Is it worth it?

A resounding YES. I'm living the dream of a lifetime. I only wish I had begun to live the dream long ago. But perhaps I needed to go through the hell that I did so that I would know the value living the dream, living my true nature really is. I do pray that others may learn the value of living their true nature without having to go through the hell I did. Perhaps I can be of some help. Perhaps my story can help someone else come to terms with their true nature.

Anita

Update

OK, No I didn't fall off the face of the earth nor have I lost interest in this blog. I've been busy. (now you've heard this a time or two before I'd bet) One would expect that a person who's not currently working would have more time available but that doesn't seem to be reality. There's just so much to do.

In way of update, I started HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) in April, a T blocker and currently a low dose of E. The only difference I noticed in first few days was night sweats. This really isn't normal for me as I'm most often cold at night. I have multiple blankets on and even a heated bed pad, night sweats were a new experience for me. This experience I'm glad to say has come and gone. (at least for now) Another side effect of HRT that I had read about was breast tenderness. I hadn't really noticed that until the other day. I was bringing some packages into the house when my grip on the screen door slipped and it closed on me hitting me squarely in the breast, yep sure is tender! Another, and more welcome, change has been a stabilization of my moods. The anxiety and depression that at times could be almost overwhelming appear to be gone. O, I have moments when I am down a little but not the days nor as deep as the depression I used to experience. This is most a most welcome change, it almost feels like getting a new lease on life.

However as expected my position, my ministry in the church is now over. I wrote previously about the review that I had coming up. After a great amount of thought, prayer and no little anxiety I knew that there was really only one course for me. Should I put this issue away, fight it and deny it again, never have anything to do with female type things again. Should I continue as I was, cross-dressing when possible hiding even then hoping never to run into anyone that knew me, staying closeted as it were. Or should I continue the path I was on, leading to HRT and ultimately to transition to living as a female. Decades of experience has finally proven to me that the first, denying it, was never going to work out. It never has and ultimately it nearly destroyed me, I cannot allow that to happen again. To continue in hiding as it were, to be out and about when possible as Anita yet letting no one know hoping no-one would recognize me was taking its toll on both me and my wife. My wife said that it was the hiding and the secrets that seemed to be sinful to her and I can't say she is wrong. At any rate how realistic would this path be. How long before the stress took a great toll on us. It would have been a risky course of action that held risk for an embarrassing situation to arise for the ministry. Not to mention leaving me in a state of confusion with the resulting depression. In the end there really was only one choice. My health, indeed even life itself, needed to pursue HRT and ultimately transition to life as a female. For the sake of my Christianity, my ministry and even my church I also needed to tell the truth about the path that lay ahead for me. I knew what it meant for my ministry and my job but sometimes one must be willing to pay the price for truth.

One result was as expected my position in the ministry is over. It happened faster than expected, this ministry can do some things quickly with the right incentive. Yet I must confess that overall the response was much better than I expected. If not supportive they appeared at least to try to understand my situation, they didn't revoke my membership or anything like that. If fact they seem to have left the door open for my continued membership after transition although they don't really yet know how to handle the situation. Truth be told it's likely that other leaders in the future may have totally different views on this matter. Yet I am grateful for the respectful manner in which this has been handled. It gives me a sense of hope for the future of the church. Maybe, just maybe there is some real Christ-likeness out there. Maybe there really are some within the churches that truly desire, and live, the compassion of Christ. Maybe there is hope for the Christian church yet, maybe not all of them but at least some of them.

Anita

Fragmented

Last week I was listening to talk radio as I was driving. I only caught part of the program but the host was expressing his opinion that our nation is more fragmented than ever before. He believes that the United States may ultimately be heading towards another civil war. Unlike the first civil war where there were two side, the north and the south, fighting for their causes. The next civil war will be more like the war in Lebanon where there are numerous factions fighting for a number of causes.

Now I don't know that I would agree about the US heading towards another civil war but he did bring up something that I have noticed. It may seem to many people that Americans seek dozens of different paths, that we have always been a fragmented society. Each of us out for ourselves or our own cause. But give us a big enough cause and we traditionally have pulled together to accomplish the impossible. When Japan bombed Pearl Harbor we left political differences, religious differences and with one mind one purpose pulled together to do the job that needed to be done. When given the right incentive we became of one mind and that made us powerful.

But perhaps twenty years ago I noticed that this nation was becoming divided and fragmented. It seemed to me that we were becoming a nation of special interest. Every one out for his own cause and it seemed that no cause was big enough to bring us together as one.

Terrorist attacked this nation the day we remember as 9/11. The death they inflicted that day was greater than what Japan inflicted on Pearl Harbor. Yet still today we're discussing what should have been the appropriate response. We did what we did but it certainly wasn't with any consensus or unity of purpose.

The recent faltering of the economy is a more recent example. The political parties stand behind their firmly entrenched beliefs neither side willing to compromise to get the economy going. Meanwhile millions are still unemployed unable to find work and millions more are underemployed. The poverty level in America has reached a level never seen since the days the “Great Society” was launched. The political parties, unable to work together, have just wasted fifty years of the war on poverty. The sequester cuts were meant to be so draconian that the political parties would be forced to come together to make reasonable budget cuts. But once again there was no unity, nothing was accomplished. The military and the poor are going to pay the price for our inability to find unity of purpose. Yes indeed we are a fragmented society and as I'm involved in charity I speak from experience that it's the poor who are paying the price.

The Christian church has been divided and fragmented even longer than our society. It could well be said that society has in fact learned about being divided and fragmented from the church. It seems every time someone has a different interpretation of a scripture a new denomination is formed. One church says that the book of Revelation, in the Bible, is about the ending of the Roman government. Another one says that they are heretics because Revelation is about the second coming of Christ.

Even something that is a basic as “How to be Saved” is disputed territory. Go look on the website of a dozen different churches and you will likely find a dozen different answers to that. I've studied the scriptures for many years but I've pretty much given up reading anything from Christian web sites because I always come away confused. If I come away confused how can we expect someone who has never read the bible to learn anything.

Of course if we separate over minor differences of opinion of scripture passages you know that we will not cooperate with each other on more mundane issues. The community I recently moved from had two different pastors organizations and held two different community Thanksgiving services because even the pastors and the churches were divided and fragmented. An ecumenical service that was held in the community for something like twenty years had ended because there could not be found enough people willing to come together to plan the service.

There was a song made popular by Sonny and Cher. United we stand, Divided we fall. There is a truth in that song that somehow seems even more appropriate today than it did back then. We are allowing our differences our special interests to drive us further apart, dividing us, fragmenting us making sure that we won't work together, assuring that nothing gets accomplished. When we once again find the will to become united, to work together we will once again become great. This applies especially so for the church. Our mission is too important to let those differences continue to separate and fragment us. O' what could be accomplished when the liberal churches, evangelical churches, the catholic churches, all the churches can unite together to accomplish God's work. It is what Jesus would want.

Theology - Therapy

When I grew up, a few years ago, it was a different world. Technology has brought us the information age. All it takes is a connection and a few minutes to find information on nearly any subject you're interested in. It wasn't so those decades ago when I was young. If the information you were seeking couldn't be found in the public library, in a magazine or on the few channels available on the TV, it might as well not exist. There were shows, or at least reruns of shows such as Father Knows Best and Leave it to Beaver that put perfect families on display for all of us. It was easy to believe that if you were different you were wrong, strange. Because surely no-one else was like this. Everyone else was much more like what we saw on our media of the day. You were alone in the world and any evidence to the contrary just wasn't available. Even after I found out that gender reassignment was possible I had no idea how one went about seeking it. I had read that it did involve a therapist somehow but that was the limit of the information I could find out, “in the day.”

Society wasn't as open to these issues back then. If you were gay or transgender you kept quiet about it. It was very difficult at best to find others like you or to find support. Sometimes as luck would have it someone would run across another similarly afflicted but for most of us it wasn't so. We suffered alone, we knew we were freaks so we kept quiet.

With the advent of the Internet things have improved drastically. Information is available in minutes. We are no longer all alone. We can read the stories of others that have faced the same issue. We can find support and understanding in minutes. Knowing you're not alone helps make life bearable in some small way. Reading the stories of others can help us to find courage. Yes I am grateful for our information age. When I was finally ready to address this issue I was able to find the information I needed. With this information I was able to reach out for assistance and start to become whole.

The society of yesterday did not suggest seeking out therapy for mental health issues. There was a stigma attached to those that sought therapy. If it was known that you were under therapy it was always assumed that you had major issues. Remember this was a time when mental health hospitals were very large and people were sent there for quite a number of reasons. I've heard that it was rare to find a therapist that had any real knowledge about transgender issues. So at least as far as I remember there was no real incentive to seek out counseling. If you had “issues” you would just tough it out and hide it from others. Hiding “issues” from everyone takes it's toll after awhile and makes the situation worse.

Today counseling doesn't have the stigma attached to it that it used to have. And to tell the truth both the mental health and medical professions have grown up a lot since those days. Although not all therapist's are well versed in the issue today many are. Society is also becoming more aware of the issue today. It's easier to seek out therapy, to find quality therapist's and to be accepted in society.

I also grew up in a very conservative church. In many of these churches it was believed that God can cure you of any aliment. God was called the great physician. If you were “abnormal” in anyway it was sinful. You needed to repent, give it to God, pray harder, read your bible more and God would cure you. If you failed it's because you were still sinning, it was your fault. Turning to secular therapist's was not the answer, that was the realm of the devil. It was human wisdom, human knowledge and not worthy of a Christian. It was another sign that you were sinning and not fully giving the problem to God.

For decades I went down that road. I'd try to give this over to God. I'd get rid of everything, promise God and myself that I'd never do it again. I read the bible more, prayed longer and more earnestly all to no avail. I kept failing. Of course that lead to guilt and shame and another round of promising God, reading the bible and prayer. The first time my wife suggested I seek counseling I said I just needed to get closer, get right with God. I took a two day personal sabbatical just to study the bible more and pray more. Somewhere I read a definition of insane, “to do the same thing and expect different results.” Under this definition I was truly insane.

In my younger years it was lack of information that kept me from the help I needed. That and societies stigma against therapy. Now it was my belief that God would do it all. That with God on my side I didn't need therapy to rid myself of this sin. I was wrong. A lifetime of repression and suppression had taken it's toll. It would take years of therapy to become whole again.

God used a Godly, Christian therapist to open my mind to other possibilities. New ways of thinking about God, new ways of seeking God, new ways of listening to God. It was only through therapy that I began to find healing and wholeness. I realized some time ago that the years that I tried to put this sin away I was really fighting against myself. I am transgender, it is who I am, it is my heart and any attempt to eliminate this is an attempt to eliminate me.

Although information is now easy to find. Society is more accepting of therapy and of LGBT issues. Although therapy and the medical field has matured. The religious teaching that God can cure you of all issues has become very popular. The health and wealth gospel is enticing and is proclaimed in some of the largest churches in America. Now I believe that God is all powerful and can cure anything. Yet at the same time I cannot pretend to know the mind of God. Sometimes it seems he does cure people, sometimes they find healing through a doctor and sometimes healing doesn't come. I don't know why, it's God's choice.

Recently I found a post from a Christian ministry that claimed the church I'm a part of is not a Christian church because they refer people to therapy if needed. They use personality profiles when looking for a potential minister. The idea that God can cure you if you are just dedicated enough and therapist's are a tool of the devil is still alive and well in some Christian churches.

Theology has it's place, an important place. But for too long I allowed theology to replace the therapy that I needed and that actually helped me. Theology has it's place but so does therapy. Its not a case of either theology or therapy, sometimes it's both. Sometimes even a Christian may need to seek out therapy. It's OK. It's not a sign that you've failed God in fact it may be that you will find healing through therapy. And at any rate any transgender individual seeking hormones and/or surgery needs the endorsement of a qualified therapist. 

God Bless

Anita

Choices

As I write this two events are looming in my near future. My therapist is writing my letter recommending HRT* (hormone replacement therapy) and I have a major review coming up with my boss. My denomination has already begun to question my theology. My boss has already asked me some questions about the transgender community. The truth be told last year the church asked me about my life and how has my spiritual life changed recently, they do that yearly. I wrote that God had changed my theology and that I wanted to work with the transgender community. So I guess I'm to blame, but what should a pastor be if not honest.

The last time I saw my boss, he asked if I could work with the transgender communtiy and stay in this denomination, my answer was I hoped so. There were some other questions that I sort of sidestepped. I know he had more questions but I wasn't prepared to answer them all at that time. Next month I have this review meeting coming up with my boss. The conditions of the meeting are such that I know this issue will come up again. This time I don't have the disire to sidestep the questions, nor do I think he would accept it.

So my next choice may impact a great many lives. Should I choose to continue towards transition it will effect my job, my wife, my congrigation, and my denomination and rather soon at that. I'm not saying that anything would necessarily happen next month, things move rather slowely in this denomination. But something is likely to happen this year, summer or fall at least.

There was a Star Trek movie where Spock sacrifices his life for the needs of the ship. He says, “the needs of the many always outweigh the needs of the few.” But I began to think, how exactly does this choice of mine impact others lives. Although my church and my congrigation may be shocked, in the overall scheme of things it is just a minor blip in their lives. Things will very shortly return to normal. The church will have someone to replace me in no time. So this causes me to ask, do the relitively minor needs of the many out weigh the major needs of one? Would it even be proper for me to give up what is esentially myself so that many others lives might not be inconvienced in some very small way?

There are only a few lives that may be impacted by my choices in any major way and that is my wife and family. So far the family members that I have talked to have accepted things very gracefully. I can't say that will be true about all my family members. Some of them haven't been real close in many years. I hope they can be as accepting but again since some of us aren't very close the overall impact in our lives is fairly minor. The two that my choices impact the most directly are my daughter and my wife.

My daughter, who is married and out of the house is good with this. She has passed on to me some of her clothing that she outgrew, asks me from time to time if Anita's been out and is very supportive. My wife feels the greatest impact of my choices and that through no fault of her own. She wants to continue in this ministry and I can't believe that the leadership will allow me to continue in it. She and I are still close but we acknowledge that we are moving on diverging paths. It sometimes happen that two people who love each other follow diverging paths. Some well known Christians couples of the past lived their lives largely apart. So even in Christian circles this is not entirely unknown. If I continue to persue transition. This would mean seperation, possibly divorce. Both my wife and I have asked ourselves the question, are we being selfish for wanting, I'd say needing, to do what we have been persuing. Sometimes I still question do I have the right to put her through this.

If it is always true that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few then there is only one choice I must make. Simply tell myself I was wrong, to stop my persuit of transition, stop the crossdressing and ignore this need. This meets the needs of the greatest number of people it and it would only cost me an entire life of pain, anguish, drudgery and even suicidal thoughts. With this decision life could contiue as I know it. My ministry and marriage would be intact, everyone would be happy, everyone but myslef that is. It's possible that I could convice everyone else that I was OK, that I was their idea of a good person and a dedicated christian/pastor. The problem is I would be miserable and life would once again become nearly unbearable. I've been down that road so many times before. No matter how hard I tried, how hard I prayed or how much time I spent reading my bible I've never been able to eradicate this thing out of my life, and believe me I have tried. This is me and I can't eradicate me.

So for now I will choose to continue to do what I must do. I will feel bad in some ways for the lives that this choice will impact. But mostly I will be concerned for my wife. I will pray for her and support her the best I can as I know she will me. Others may not understand, some may find fault that's OK I can live with that, it is after all my choice.

Anita

*For those not in the know HRT is the first step, other than therapy, in the process of transitioning to living as a female. For a male a Testosterone blocker is used and a female sex hormone is given. Eventually breasts begin to develop, the skin gets softer, muscle mass is reduced, some fat deposits are relocated and male pattern baldness may be arrested.

Expectations

Recently someone told me that I kinda had a 70's air about me. I guess there is some truth about that but if they only knew the whole of it. In the mid 90's when I got married my wife was managing a second hand thrift store. At the time I had been wearing a few shirts that I really loved but they were throwbacks to the 70's no doubt about it. My wife had decided that I was out of style. Now that was something that I had heard before. But now that I was married my wife decided that it was time to do something about it. She took my shirts a few slacks and a couple of other items of mine to the shop and sold them in the vintage section. The store made a boat load of money off of my things. My wife explained that there was great interest in vintage things among young people. They bought my things to wear them. I guess that I should feel proud that they wanted to wear the things I had been wearing but that's just it, I had been wearing them. My wife complained that they wore them to be nostalgic I just wore them. Even after all these years I still fail to see the difference. She tells me to get over it.

But this got me to thinking about just how much we allow others expectations to determine what we do, what we wear and who we are. In short we allow other people to live our life for us and we don't even recognize it. Now in some ways this is a good idea. To excel in school or work because our parents or peers expect it is good. To be a good law abiding citizen because it's expected is good for you and society. Sometimes others expectations of us can cause us to be a better person than we would have been on our own. This I would agree can be a good thing.

But there are many instances where this may be a detriment to our lives. This is something I've had to face in my own life and learn the hard way. Barbara Mandrell, a country singer, had a song a good many years ago that said, “I was country when country wasn't cool.” I identify with that song because that was me. In junior high school I was into country music and I can tell you that it wasn't cool there. I stood out like a sore thumb and got lots of ribbing about it. But it was me, it was what spoke to me it was what I liked. Even at that young age I wouldn't allow others ideas to live my life. A few years down the road bluegrass music started to attract me. Later still when I got into the ministry things changed. As a Christian and a minister it's only proper that I begin to listen to Christian music. My old loves of country and bluegrass music were forgotten and I was listening to Christian music. Mostly contemporary Christian music because that's what the radio stations were playing. I reasoned, I'm a Christian, a pastor it's only proper, it's what's expected, it's the Christian thing to do.

A little later I came to the dark time of my life. For a couple of years I was dead. Dead emotionally and dead spiritually. It was a dangerous period of time. I've written about it before. My wife threatened divorce unless I sought therapy, reluctantly I consented. For a while nothing seemed to be happening. The therapist threatened to reduce our sessions. Then one morning while I was getting ready for work and listening to a Christian radio station, as I always did, something clicked in me. I stood there and said out loud, “why am I listening to this, I hate this style of music, I always have hated this style of music, why do I listen to this every single day?” This was the beginning for me, the point where healing could start.

Whether people expected me to be a certain way or whether I just thought people were expecting it, living to their expectations was quite literally killing me. I had to begin being true to myself again. I had to listen to the music that moved me. Do the things that were special to me and spoke to me. There are many area's of my life that I had to take back and be true to myself.

For a crossdresser, transgender, transsexual this can be a critical issue. Our society has very clear ideas about gender roles. Those that dare transgress those roles may be vilified and called any thing from a pervert to an abomination. Those that have a personality that needs approval of others or live up-to the expectations of others will have a much harder time than those who like myself have bucked those expectations all our lives. I needed to be reminded of my youth and return to that mindset before I would be prepared to finally deal with being a transgender individual. I had to get past living up-to what I believed others expected of me. I am transgender, transsexual afflicted with GID. I will be misunderstood by many who know me, perhaps vilified by some and shunned by others. I am now OK with that. I have found a measure of mental healing and am better spiritually than ever in my life. I was country when country wasn't cool. I can be transgender when being transgender isn't cool.

But I still don't understand why I couldn't wear those shirts when others would wear them to be nostalgic

Anita

Compassion?

The other day someone on a support site I visit stated that it is possible to overcome the “addiction” of cross-dressing and GID. They said they wanted to give us all hope that this doesn't have to be a lifetime affliction, we can overcome it. So I did a search and found several websites and blogs that supposedly documented persons overcoming these “addictions.” These sites all claimed that it was in fact an addiction and as such could be treated. You need to want it to bad enough and must be willing to put forth the effort necessary. They sound so convincing, so hopeful. They carry testimonials of those that have overcome. It's all so enticing, so convincing it made me think for just a moment that maybe I should look into this further, that maybe I should try yet again. But just for a moment, I've been down that road so many times before and to be honest about it, it didn't do me any good in fact it came close to destroying me.

Now I didn't check out every website and blog out there that claims you can overcome cross-dressing and GID but I did notice a few things about the few I did check out. First thing I did notice is that they all played on our fear that we must be committing some horrible sin. Oh yes, all of them that I saw were Christian based. You are acting against the will of God, you are sinning and as long as you are sinning there is no hope for you. Playing on our fears as Christians is nothing new, I guess the church has been doing that for centuries. The problem is that it's all according to their interpretation of some scripture passage often taken out of context, but of course they are always right.

Another thing I noticed was that it is implied in these websites that if your not experiencing victory over your cross-dressing or GID that you do not have enough faith in God, that you haven't given it fully to God's control. It was stated many, many times that God will heal the hurts, God will help you have the strength to resist temptation, God will see you through. This seems to be just another variation on what some have called the health and wealth gospel. The general idea seems to be that God wants to heal you of all your ills. If you are sick and your not getting well then you don't have enough faith. My wife hears this fairly often from good meaning Christians. She has had diabetics for several years now and is insulin dependent. From time to time some one will say to her God can heal you, you just need to have faith. She will often say to me afterwards if he really wants to heal me why doesn't he tell me.

Overall there doesn't seem to be a lot of information available about overcoming this “addiction.” Even the blogs that state they are documenting their process seem to have little actual information about what is being done and how it is going. And I didn't find any information that I could say was of good quality, all of it was suspect in some way.

One blogger stated that perhaps the reason there wasn't more on-line about successful overcoming of these conditions is because its so difficult to talk about it or allow oneself to think about anything dealing with cross-dressing if you are going to be successful. From personal experience I can say he may have a point but there is another possibility.

In December one person started a blog. He made one post where he said he was going to document his efforts to overcoming his addiction to cross-dressing. He had found a 12 step program that he was starting to attend. This is now February and he hasn't made another post even though many have asked him to. Oh I forgot, his one and only post was in December 2008, he hasn't been heard of since.

Now I don't know why he never made another post but I do know that the incidence of suicide among the trans-gender community is perhaps the highest of any group, the latest estimate is forty six percent of trans-gendered persons will attempt suicide and nearly all of us have though about it.

I've spent a lifetime dealing with being trans-gender and a Christian. I spent many years seeing it as my addiction, something I must overcome. I've fought this thing, suppressed it, denied it, tried not to think about it. I was even successful in overcoming it for a couple of years several different times. But it was always there, the harder I fought it, the longer I would go without it the worse it would come back. I personally know one person that went fifteen years without it but as they say, it came back with a vengeance.

In spite of what some of these websites claim it is not an addiction, it is not a learned behavior, it is not because one of my parents was distant. It goes to the heart of who I am, what I am, what I'm about. To deny being trans-gender is to deny me. The result was that it nearly destroyed me. It made me dead inside and if I hadn't started therapy it's very likely that I would have been one of those forty six percent. Things are better now but I still have days. It's tough trying to walk a line where you have to be something most of the time that you really aren't at heart. When you have to pretend to be the person everyone else expects you to be.

This is where my greatest concern lies. These Christian groups, websites and blogger's in their zeal to save the world maybe causing great harm and pain to the individual. They may not be aware of it but they may in fact be driving some to suicide. Some are already struggling with something they don't understand and can't control. Then some Christian in authority condemns their actions as sinful. I understand, I've been there myself. This creates an enormous amount of stress in your life. In time that stress may lead some to suicide others simply leave the church. The end result is the opposite of what we would want to accomplish.

As someone that has also spent their life studying the Bible I have to wonder how would my Christ respond to a community that has a sixty four percent attempted suicide? How would Christ respond to a community in so much pain? Christ was compassionate to those who were hurting and confused. Read how many times it's recorded that he had compassion on them. I have experienced the pain of living with GID and as Christian I must share in Christ's compassion for others that are hurting.

(Mark 6:34 KJV) And Jesus, when he came out, saw much people, and was moved with compassion toward them, because they were as sheep not having a shepherd: and he began to teach them many things.

God bless

Anita

Super Bowl Day

Another Super Bowl has come and gone, hallelujah! I think I heard someone say it was the 40^th, but I could be wrong. The coming of another Super Bowl always fills me with a certain amount of angst and a little bit of dread. There is a growing sense of expectation as the Super Bowl approaches. Even if your team isn't in the Super Bowl you still gain a bit of excitement. It seems the entire male population and a significant percentage of the female population expect to be watching when the Super Bowl kicks off. Seriously, who doesn't get excited at the approach of the Super Bowl, who doesn't like the Super Bowl?

I will readily admit to my ignorance of all things sports related. Oh I know what each game is played with and generally what is the goal of the game. But in most cases anything beyond that is beyond me. When someone starts talking sports I'm completely lost, the conversation is above me. I don't know who the players are what teams play what sports, who owns them or what city they're in. That's not to mention my lack of knowledge of most of the rules. That's OK or at least I'm OK with it and most of the time it seems to be OK to everyone else also.

But I've noticed a change of attitude at Super Bowl time. It seems to me that if you were born male there is an expectation that you at least are interested in the Super Bowl, know who is playing in it and you have an opinion on who should win. Having none of these creates in me a bit of anxiety. At this time of year inevitably there will be questions about who you support in the game. When I express that I neither know who is playing nor have an opinion about who should win the next response is normally, no seriously who do you like.

Last night we were having our church friends over to the house for a Super Bowl party. (my wife's idea not mine) The adults were watching the game in the family room and the teens were watching in the basement. One would be foolish to leave teens, even churched teens, completely to their own devices in another part of the house. I was making frequent trips down the stairs to keep an eye on them. Often the conversation the ensued focused upon my concept of sports..

They would not believe that I had no interest in sports, never ever did. In all honesty I was terrible in anything resembling sports when I was a child. I didn't like sports in any form and it's likely that contributed to my lack of ability. When my friends would play ball I was looking to get out of it in 5 or 10 minutes, it was so boring. In my late teens I was working for a church that was building a new facility. Just before they entered the new building I resigned. My job in the new building was to oversee the gym program. There was no way I was qualified to do that. The thought of trying to run a gym program brought me terror. They still would not accept my lack of interest in sports. They kept at it.

Most of the time this seems to be OK, but today was the Super Bowl. I've had similar experiences when the Super Bowl was near. After all who doesn't like football on Super Bowl day?

By the way I spent game time in the kitchen and dining room with a couple of the ladies it is after all just football.

Anita