A Leopard's Spots

The old proverb said, “A Leopard cannot change his spots.” There are certain things that are intrinsic to a creatures being things that they cannot change. There is nothing a Leopard can do about his spots, he can't change the color of them, the number of them or the arrangement of them. Likewise there are certain intrinsic characteristics to us as human beings that we cannot change.

Exodus international was perhaps the first and largest supporters of conversion therapy. They supported conversion therapy for both homosexuality and transgender individuals. So their recent decision to close came somewhat of a shock to me. Exodus international has stated that just like our leopard, there are somethings that are intrinsic to a person over which they have no power to change.

One of Exodus International's co-founders Michael Bussee issued an apology for his involvement in promoting orientation change through Exodus. Also apologizing were Jeremy Marks, former president of Exodus International Europe, and Darlene Bogle, the founder of Paraklete Ministries, an Exodus referral agency. The apology stated in part "Some who heard our message were compelled to try to change an integral part of themselves, bringing harm to themselves and their families." In April 2010, Bussee stated, "I never saw one of our members or other Exodus leaders or other Exodus members become heterosexual, so deep down I knew that it wasn’t true."

Coleman and Drescher argue that a preponderance of evidence demonstrates that homosexuality is not changeable. Drescher argues that "the sum of all the literature does not indicate that [reparative therapeutic techniques] are effective."

In January 2012 then- president of Exodus International Alan Chambers, during his address to a Gay Christian Network conference, stated that 99.9% of conversion therapy participants do not experience any change to their sexuality and apologized for the previous Exodus slogan "Change Is Possible"

Chambers stated that his next ministry would be different: "Our goals are to reduce fear and come alongside churches to become safe, welcoming and mutually transforming communities. What a change, someone that supported attempts to change the LBGT community is now considering helping churches to become welcoming and supportive to the LBGT communities. Some changes are possible such as this, that an organization (or a person) finally accepts the truth and allows that truth to change their attitudes and goals.

During my long struggle with being transgender I used to often read about Exodus International or hear them on some radio program. I heard several transgender individuals give their testimony about how they were cured and made well. This of course just reinforced my thoughts about how wrong this was and added to my sense of guilt. I'd hear the stories of a transgender individual that would say they were now a happy well adjusted normal person (what is normal anyhow) and I would wonder why that couldn't happen to me. I must say that it wasn't Exodus International that caused me to resist and suppress being transgender for so long, it was just one more pressure on me to conform, to change. I've written before about the years of suppression and those results.

Just like the leaders of Exodus I had to come to the truth that there is something intrinsic to who I am that I cannot change. It didn't come overnight nor easily but I was finally able to come to terms with the female in me and work with it instead of against it. For in working against it I was working against myself. Now as I work with my nature and make allowance for it I find a closeness and a dependability on God that I never had before.

Of course you know that there are a number of organizations that have made there disappointment with Exodus International clear. I read the response of an Exodus spin off claim that Exodus International lost their focus and their God given purpose. I can imagine that there are individuals from my former Christian circles that believe the same about me. Some might even believe that I've left Christianity altogether. I have started attending a different church because of my situation today. Not long ago I read what someone stated about the church I've been attending, that they “have left the clear teaching of the Bible.” (I would like to state for the record that what that usually means is the clear teaching of the Bible according to the interpretation of their favorite religious figure.) I liked the response of a member who said that they stand for being Christ-ian. What I've learned is that being Christian does not necessarily mean being christ-like. I've long stated that sometimes childlikeness is the most missing thing in the church today. It is this Christ-likeness that has enabled me to finally come to terms with being transgender and being a Christian. I spent most of my Bible reading time in the four gospels, I want to know Christ, what he was like, how would he respond, how did he love?

There are many voices in Christian circles that will tell us how we've lost our focus, lost our purpose and left the clear teaching of the Bible. But it comes to my mind that the church of the day and good church going people of the day were convinced that Jesus was evil itself. The more things change the more they stay the same.

Fragmented

Last week I was listening to talk radio as I was driving. I only caught part of the program but the host was expressing his opinion that our nation is more fragmented than ever before. He believes that the United States may ultimately be heading towards another civil war. Unlike the first civil war where there were two side, the north and the south, fighting for their causes. The next civil war will be more like the war in Lebanon where there are numerous factions fighting for a number of causes.

Now I don't know that I would agree about the US heading towards another civil war but he did bring up something that I have noticed. It may seem to many people that Americans seek dozens of different paths, that we have always been a fragmented society. Each of us out for ourselves or our own cause. But give us a big enough cause and we traditionally have pulled together to accomplish the impossible. When Japan bombed Pearl Harbor we left political differences, religious differences and with one mind one purpose pulled together to do the job that needed to be done. When given the right incentive we became of one mind and that made us powerful.

But perhaps twenty years ago I noticed that this nation was becoming divided and fragmented. It seemed to me that we were becoming a nation of special interest. Every one out for his own cause and it seemed that no cause was big enough to bring us together as one.

Terrorist attacked this nation the day we remember as 9/11. The death they inflicted that day was greater than what Japan inflicted on Pearl Harbor. Yet still today we're discussing what should have been the appropriate response. We did what we did but it certainly wasn't with any consensus or unity of purpose.

The recent faltering of the economy is a more recent example. The political parties stand behind their firmly entrenched beliefs neither side willing to compromise to get the economy going. Meanwhile millions are still unemployed unable to find work and millions more are underemployed. The poverty level in America has reached a level never seen since the days the “Great Society” was launched. The political parties, unable to work together, have just wasted fifty years of the war on poverty. The sequester cuts were meant to be so draconian that the political parties would be forced to come together to make reasonable budget cuts. But once again there was no unity, nothing was accomplished. The military and the poor are going to pay the price for our inability to find unity of purpose. Yes indeed we are a fragmented society and as I'm involved in charity I speak from experience that it's the poor who are paying the price.

The Christian church has been divided and fragmented even longer than our society. It could well be said that society has in fact learned about being divided and fragmented from the church. It seems every time someone has a different interpretation of a scripture a new denomination is formed. One church says that the book of Revelation, in the Bible, is about the ending of the Roman government. Another one says that they are heretics because Revelation is about the second coming of Christ.

Even something that is a basic as “How to be Saved” is disputed territory. Go look on the website of a dozen different churches and you will likely find a dozen different answers to that. I've studied the scriptures for many years but I've pretty much given up reading anything from Christian web sites because I always come away confused. If I come away confused how can we expect someone who has never read the bible to learn anything.

Of course if we separate over minor differences of opinion of scripture passages you know that we will not cooperate with each other on more mundane issues. The community I recently moved from had two different pastors organizations and held two different community Thanksgiving services because even the pastors and the churches were divided and fragmented. An ecumenical service that was held in the community for something like twenty years had ended because there could not be found enough people willing to come together to plan the service.

There was a song made popular by Sonny and Cher. United we stand, Divided we fall. There is a truth in that song that somehow seems even more appropriate today than it did back then. We are allowing our differences our special interests to drive us further apart, dividing us, fragmenting us making sure that we won't work together, assuring that nothing gets accomplished. When we once again find the will to become united, to work together we will once again become great. This applies especially so for the church. Our mission is too important to let those differences continue to separate and fragment us. O' what could be accomplished when the liberal churches, evangelical churches, the catholic churches, all the churches can unite together to accomplish God's work. It is what Jesus would want.

Theology - Therapy

When I grew up, a few years ago, it was a different world. Technology has brought us the information age. All it takes is a connection and a few minutes to find information on nearly any subject you're interested in. It wasn't so those decades ago when I was young. If the information you were seeking couldn't be found in the public library, in a magazine or on the few channels available on the TV, it might as well not exist. There were shows, or at least reruns of shows such as Father Knows Best and Leave it to Beaver that put perfect families on display for all of us. It was easy to believe that if you were different you were wrong, strange. Because surely no-one else was like this. Everyone else was much more like what we saw on our media of the day. You were alone in the world and any evidence to the contrary just wasn't available. Even after I found out that gender reassignment was possible I had no idea how one went about seeking it. I had read that it did involve a therapist somehow but that was the limit of the information I could find out, “in the day.”

Society wasn't as open to these issues back then. If you were gay or transgender you kept quiet about it. It was very difficult at best to find others like you or to find support. Sometimes as luck would have it someone would run across another similarly afflicted but for most of us it wasn't so. We suffered alone, we knew we were freaks so we kept quiet.

With the advent of the Internet things have improved drastically. Information is available in minutes. We are no longer all alone. We can read the stories of others that have faced the same issue. We can find support and understanding in minutes. Knowing you're not alone helps make life bearable in some small way. Reading the stories of others can help us to find courage. Yes I am grateful for our information age. When I was finally ready to address this issue I was able to find the information I needed. With this information I was able to reach out for assistance and start to become whole.

The society of yesterday did not suggest seeking out therapy for mental health issues. There was a stigma attached to those that sought therapy. If it was known that you were under therapy it was always assumed that you had major issues. Remember this was a time when mental health hospitals were very large and people were sent there for quite a number of reasons. I've heard that it was rare to find a therapist that had any real knowledge about transgender issues. So at least as far as I remember there was no real incentive to seek out counseling. If you had “issues” you would just tough it out and hide it from others. Hiding “issues” from everyone takes it's toll after awhile and makes the situation worse.

Today counseling doesn't have the stigma attached to it that it used to have. And to tell the truth both the mental health and medical professions have grown up a lot since those days. Although not all therapist's are well versed in the issue today many are. Society is also becoming more aware of the issue today. It's easier to seek out therapy, to find quality therapist's and to be accepted in society.

I also grew up in a very conservative church. In many of these churches it was believed that God can cure you of any aliment. God was called the great physician. If you were “abnormal” in anyway it was sinful. You needed to repent, give it to God, pray harder, read your bible more and God would cure you. If you failed it's because you were still sinning, it was your fault. Turning to secular therapist's was not the answer, that was the realm of the devil. It was human wisdom, human knowledge and not worthy of a Christian. It was another sign that you were sinning and not fully giving the problem to God.

For decades I went down that road. I'd try to give this over to God. I'd get rid of everything, promise God and myself that I'd never do it again. I read the bible more, prayed longer and more earnestly all to no avail. I kept failing. Of course that lead to guilt and shame and another round of promising God, reading the bible and prayer. The first time my wife suggested I seek counseling I said I just needed to get closer, get right with God. I took a two day personal sabbatical just to study the bible more and pray more. Somewhere I read a definition of insane, “to do the same thing and expect different results.” Under this definition I was truly insane.

In my younger years it was lack of information that kept me from the help I needed. That and societies stigma against therapy. Now it was my belief that God would do it all. That with God on my side I didn't need therapy to rid myself of this sin. I was wrong. A lifetime of repression and suppression had taken it's toll. It would take years of therapy to become whole again.

God used a Godly, Christian therapist to open my mind to other possibilities. New ways of thinking about God, new ways of seeking God, new ways of listening to God. It was only through therapy that I began to find healing and wholeness. I realized some time ago that the years that I tried to put this sin away I was really fighting against myself. I am transgender, it is who I am, it is my heart and any attempt to eliminate this is an attempt to eliminate me.

Although information is now easy to find. Society is more accepting of therapy and of LGBT issues. Although therapy and the medical field has matured. The religious teaching that God can cure you of all issues has become very popular. The health and wealth gospel is enticing and is proclaimed in some of the largest churches in America. Now I believe that God is all powerful and can cure anything. Yet at the same time I cannot pretend to know the mind of God. Sometimes it seems he does cure people, sometimes they find healing through a doctor and sometimes healing doesn't come. I don't know why, it's God's choice.

Recently I found a post from a Christian ministry that claimed the church I'm a part of is not a Christian church because they refer people to therapy if needed. They use personality profiles when looking for a potential minister. The idea that God can cure you if you are just dedicated enough and therapist's are a tool of the devil is still alive and well in some Christian churches.

Theology has it's place, an important place. But for too long I allowed theology to replace the therapy that I needed and that actually helped me. Theology has it's place but so does therapy. Its not a case of either theology or therapy, sometimes it's both. Sometimes even a Christian may need to seek out therapy. It's OK. It's not a sign that you've failed God in fact it may be that you will find healing through therapy. And at any rate any transgender individual seeking hormones and/or surgery needs the endorsement of a qualified therapist. 

God Bless

Anita