A Leopard's Spots

The old proverb said, “A Leopard cannot change his spots.” There are certain things that are intrinsic to a creatures being things that they cannot change. There is nothing a Leopard can do about his spots, he can't change the color of them, the number of them or the arrangement of them. Likewise there are certain intrinsic characteristics to us as human beings that we cannot change.

Exodus international was perhaps the first and largest supporters of conversion therapy. They supported conversion therapy for both homosexuality and transgender individuals. So their recent decision to close came somewhat of a shock to me. Exodus international has stated that just like our leopard, there are somethings that are intrinsic to a person over which they have no power to change.

One of Exodus International's co-founders Michael Bussee issued an apology for his involvement in promoting orientation change through Exodus. Also apologizing were Jeremy Marks, former president of Exodus International Europe, and Darlene Bogle, the founder of Paraklete Ministries, an Exodus referral agency. The apology stated in part "Some who heard our message were compelled to try to change an integral part of themselves, bringing harm to themselves and their families." In April 2010, Bussee stated, "I never saw one of our members or other Exodus leaders or other Exodus members become heterosexual, so deep down I knew that it wasn’t true."

Coleman and Drescher argue that a preponderance of evidence demonstrates that homosexuality is not changeable. Drescher argues that "the sum of all the literature does not indicate that [reparative therapeutic techniques] are effective."

In January 2012 then- president of Exodus International Alan Chambers, during his address to a Gay Christian Network conference, stated that 99.9% of conversion therapy participants do not experience any change to their sexuality and apologized for the previous Exodus slogan "Change Is Possible"

Chambers stated that his next ministry would be different: "Our goals are to reduce fear and come alongside churches to become safe, welcoming and mutually transforming communities. What a change, someone that supported attempts to change the LBGT community is now considering helping churches to become welcoming and supportive to the LBGT communities. Some changes are possible such as this, that an organization (or a person) finally accepts the truth and allows that truth to change their attitudes and goals.

During my long struggle with being transgender I used to often read about Exodus International or hear them on some radio program. I heard several transgender individuals give their testimony about how they were cured and made well. This of course just reinforced my thoughts about how wrong this was and added to my sense of guilt. I'd hear the stories of a transgender individual that would say they were now a happy well adjusted normal person (what is normal anyhow) and I would wonder why that couldn't happen to me. I must say that it wasn't Exodus International that caused me to resist and suppress being transgender for so long, it was just one more pressure on me to conform, to change. I've written before about the years of suppression and those results.

Just like the leaders of Exodus I had to come to the truth that there is something intrinsic to who I am that I cannot change. It didn't come overnight nor easily but I was finally able to come to terms with the female in me and work with it instead of against it. For in working against it I was working against myself. Now as I work with my nature and make allowance for it I find a closeness and a dependability on God that I never had before.

Of course you know that there are a number of organizations that have made there disappointment with Exodus International clear. I read the response of an Exodus spin off claim that Exodus International lost their focus and their God given purpose. I can imagine that there are individuals from my former Christian circles that believe the same about me. Some might even believe that I've left Christianity altogether. I have started attending a different church because of my situation today. Not long ago I read what someone stated about the church I've been attending, that they “have left the clear teaching of the Bible.” (I would like to state for the record that what that usually means is the clear teaching of the Bible according to the interpretation of their favorite religious figure.) I liked the response of a member who said that they stand for being Christ-ian. What I've learned is that being Christian does not necessarily mean being christ-like. I've long stated that sometimes childlikeness is the most missing thing in the church today. It is this Christ-likeness that has enabled me to finally come to terms with being transgender and being a Christian. I spent most of my Bible reading time in the four gospels, I want to know Christ, what he was like, how would he respond, how did he love?

There are many voices in Christian circles that will tell us how we've lost our focus, lost our purpose and left the clear teaching of the Bible. But it comes to my mind that the church of the day and good church going people of the day were convinced that Jesus was evil itself. The more things change the more they stay the same.

Update

OK, No I didn't fall off the face of the earth nor have I lost interest in this blog. I've been busy. (now you've heard this a time or two before I'd bet) One would expect that a person who's not currently working would have more time available but that doesn't seem to be reality. There's just so much to do.

In way of update, I started HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) in April, a T blocker and currently a low dose of E. The only difference I noticed in first few days was night sweats. This really isn't normal for me as I'm most often cold at night. I have multiple blankets on and even a heated bed pad, night sweats were a new experience for me. This experience I'm glad to say has come and gone. (at least for now) Another side effect of HRT that I had read about was breast tenderness. I hadn't really noticed that until the other day. I was bringing some packages into the house when my grip on the screen door slipped and it closed on me hitting me squarely in the breast, yep sure is tender! Another, and more welcome, change has been a stabilization of my moods. The anxiety and depression that at times could be almost overwhelming appear to be gone. O, I have moments when I am down a little but not the days nor as deep as the depression I used to experience. This is most a most welcome change, it almost feels like getting a new lease on life.

However as expected my position, my ministry in the church is now over. I wrote previously about the review that I had coming up. After a great amount of thought, prayer and no little anxiety I knew that there was really only one course for me. Should I put this issue away, fight it and deny it again, never have anything to do with female type things again. Should I continue as I was, cross-dressing when possible hiding even then hoping never to run into anyone that knew me, staying closeted as it were. Or should I continue the path I was on, leading to HRT and ultimately to transition to living as a female. Decades of experience has finally proven to me that the first, denying it, was never going to work out. It never has and ultimately it nearly destroyed me, I cannot allow that to happen again. To continue in hiding as it were, to be out and about when possible as Anita yet letting no one know hoping no-one would recognize me was taking its toll on both me and my wife. My wife said that it was the hiding and the secrets that seemed to be sinful to her and I can't say she is wrong. At any rate how realistic would this path be. How long before the stress took a great toll on us. It would have been a risky course of action that held risk for an embarrassing situation to arise for the ministry. Not to mention leaving me in a state of confusion with the resulting depression. In the end there really was only one choice. My health, indeed even life itself, needed to pursue HRT and ultimately transition to life as a female. For the sake of my Christianity, my ministry and even my church I also needed to tell the truth about the path that lay ahead for me. I knew what it meant for my ministry and my job but sometimes one must be willing to pay the price for truth.

One result was as expected my position in the ministry is over. It happened faster than expected, this ministry can do some things quickly with the right incentive. Yet I must confess that overall the response was much better than I expected. If not supportive they appeared at least to try to understand my situation, they didn't revoke my membership or anything like that. If fact they seem to have left the door open for my continued membership after transition although they don't really yet know how to handle the situation. Truth be told it's likely that other leaders in the future may have totally different views on this matter. Yet I am grateful for the respectful manner in which this has been handled. It gives me a sense of hope for the future of the church. Maybe, just maybe there is some real Christ-likeness out there. Maybe there really are some within the churches that truly desire, and live, the compassion of Christ. Maybe there is hope for the Christian church yet, maybe not all of them but at least some of them.

Anita

Choices

As I write this two events are looming in my near future. My therapist is writing my letter recommending HRT* (hormone replacement therapy) and I have a major review coming up with my boss. My denomination has already begun to question my theology. My boss has already asked me some questions about the transgender community. The truth be told last year the church asked me about my life and how has my spiritual life changed recently, they do that yearly. I wrote that God had changed my theology and that I wanted to work with the transgender community. So I guess I'm to blame, but what should a pastor be if not honest.

The last time I saw my boss, he asked if I could work with the transgender communtiy and stay in this denomination, my answer was I hoped so. There were some other questions that I sort of sidestepped. I know he had more questions but I wasn't prepared to answer them all at that time. Next month I have this review meeting coming up with my boss. The conditions of the meeting are such that I know this issue will come up again. This time I don't have the disire to sidestep the questions, nor do I think he would accept it.

So my next choice may impact a great many lives. Should I choose to continue towards transition it will effect my job, my wife, my congrigation, and my denomination and rather soon at that. I'm not saying that anything would necessarily happen next month, things move rather slowely in this denomination. But something is likely to happen this year, summer or fall at least.

There was a Star Trek movie where Spock sacrifices his life for the needs of the ship. He says, “the needs of the many always outweigh the needs of the few.” But I began to think, how exactly does this choice of mine impact others lives. Although my church and my congrigation may be shocked, in the overall scheme of things it is just a minor blip in their lives. Things will very shortly return to normal. The church will have someone to replace me in no time. So this causes me to ask, do the relitively minor needs of the many out weigh the major needs of one? Would it even be proper for me to give up what is esentially myself so that many others lives might not be inconvienced in some very small way?

There are only a few lives that may be impacted by my choices in any major way and that is my wife and family. So far the family members that I have talked to have accepted things very gracefully. I can't say that will be true about all my family members. Some of them haven't been real close in many years. I hope they can be as accepting but again since some of us aren't very close the overall impact in our lives is fairly minor. The two that my choices impact the most directly are my daughter and my wife.

My daughter, who is married and out of the house is good with this. She has passed on to me some of her clothing that she outgrew, asks me from time to time if Anita's been out and is very supportive. My wife feels the greatest impact of my choices and that through no fault of her own. She wants to continue in this ministry and I can't believe that the leadership will allow me to continue in it. She and I are still close but we acknowledge that we are moving on diverging paths. It sometimes happen that two people who love each other follow diverging paths. Some well known Christians couples of the past lived their lives largely apart. So even in Christian circles this is not entirely unknown. If I continue to persue transition. This would mean seperation, possibly divorce. Both my wife and I have asked ourselves the question, are we being selfish for wanting, I'd say needing, to do what we have been persuing. Sometimes I still question do I have the right to put her through this.

If it is always true that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few then there is only one choice I must make. Simply tell myself I was wrong, to stop my persuit of transition, stop the crossdressing and ignore this need. This meets the needs of the greatest number of people it and it would only cost me an entire life of pain, anguish, drudgery and even suicidal thoughts. With this decision life could contiue as I know it. My ministry and marriage would be intact, everyone would be happy, everyone but myslef that is. It's possible that I could convice everyone else that I was OK, that I was their idea of a good person and a dedicated christian/pastor. The problem is I would be miserable and life would once again become nearly unbearable. I've been down that road so many times before. No matter how hard I tried, how hard I prayed or how much time I spent reading my bible I've never been able to eradicate this thing out of my life, and believe me I have tried. This is me and I can't eradicate me.

So for now I will choose to continue to do what I must do. I will feel bad in some ways for the lives that this choice will impact. But mostly I will be concerned for my wife. I will pray for her and support her the best I can as I know she will me. Others may not understand, some may find fault that's OK I can live with that, it is after all my choice.

Anita

*For those not in the know HRT is the first step, other than therapy, in the process of transitioning to living as a female. For a male a Testosterone blocker is used and a female sex hormone is given. Eventually breasts begin to develop, the skin gets softer, muscle mass is reduced, some fat deposits are relocated and male pattern baldness may be arrested.

Expectations

Recently someone told me that I kinda had a 70's air about me. I guess there is some truth about that but if they only knew the whole of it. In the mid 90's when I got married my wife was managing a second hand thrift store. At the time I had been wearing a few shirts that I really loved but they were throwbacks to the 70's no doubt about it. My wife had decided that I was out of style. Now that was something that I had heard before. But now that I was married my wife decided that it was time to do something about it. She took my shirts a few slacks and a couple of other items of mine to the shop and sold them in the vintage section. The store made a boat load of money off of my things. My wife explained that there was great interest in vintage things among young people. They bought my things to wear them. I guess that I should feel proud that they wanted to wear the things I had been wearing but that's just it, I had been wearing them. My wife complained that they wore them to be nostalgic I just wore them. Even after all these years I still fail to see the difference. She tells me to get over it.

But this got me to thinking about just how much we allow others expectations to determine what we do, what we wear and who we are. In short we allow other people to live our life for us and we don't even recognize it. Now in some ways this is a good idea. To excel in school or work because our parents or peers expect it is good. To be a good law abiding citizen because it's expected is good for you and society. Sometimes others expectations of us can cause us to be a better person than we would have been on our own. This I would agree can be a good thing.

But there are many instances where this may be a detriment to our lives. This is something I've had to face in my own life and learn the hard way. Barbara Mandrell, a country singer, had a song a good many years ago that said, “I was country when country wasn't cool.” I identify with that song because that was me. In junior high school I was into country music and I can tell you that it wasn't cool there. I stood out like a sore thumb and got lots of ribbing about it. But it was me, it was what spoke to me it was what I liked. Even at that young age I wouldn't allow others ideas to live my life. A few years down the road bluegrass music started to attract me. Later still when I got into the ministry things changed. As a Christian and a minister it's only proper that I begin to listen to Christian music. My old loves of country and bluegrass music were forgotten and I was listening to Christian music. Mostly contemporary Christian music because that's what the radio stations were playing. I reasoned, I'm a Christian, a pastor it's only proper, it's what's expected, it's the Christian thing to do.

A little later I came to the dark time of my life. For a couple of years I was dead. Dead emotionally and dead spiritually. It was a dangerous period of time. I've written about it before. My wife threatened divorce unless I sought therapy, reluctantly I consented. For a while nothing seemed to be happening. The therapist threatened to reduce our sessions. Then one morning while I was getting ready for work and listening to a Christian radio station, as I always did, something clicked in me. I stood there and said out loud, “why am I listening to this, I hate this style of music, I always have hated this style of music, why do I listen to this every single day?” This was the beginning for me, the point where healing could start.

Whether people expected me to be a certain way or whether I just thought people were expecting it, living to their expectations was quite literally killing me. I had to begin being true to myself again. I had to listen to the music that moved me. Do the things that were special to me and spoke to me. There are many area's of my life that I had to take back and be true to myself.

For a crossdresser, transgender, transsexual this can be a critical issue. Our society has very clear ideas about gender roles. Those that dare transgress those roles may be vilified and called any thing from a pervert to an abomination. Those that have a personality that needs approval of others or live up-to the expectations of others will have a much harder time than those who like myself have bucked those expectations all our lives. I needed to be reminded of my youth and return to that mindset before I would be prepared to finally deal with being a transgender individual. I had to get past living up-to what I believed others expected of me. I am transgender, transsexual afflicted with GID. I will be misunderstood by many who know me, perhaps vilified by some and shunned by others. I am now OK with that. I have found a measure of mental healing and am better spiritually than ever in my life. I was country when country wasn't cool. I can be transgender when being transgender isn't cool.

But I still don't understand why I couldn't wear those shirts when others would wear them to be nostalgic

Anita