Choices

As I write this two events are looming in my near future. My therapist is writing my letter recommending HRT* (hormone replacement therapy) and I have a major review coming up with my boss. My denomination has already begun to question my theology. My boss has already asked me some questions about the transgender community. The truth be told last year the church asked me about my life and how has my spiritual life changed recently, they do that yearly. I wrote that God had changed my theology and that I wanted to work with the transgender community. So I guess I'm to blame, but what should a pastor be if not honest.

The last time I saw my boss, he asked if I could work with the transgender communtiy and stay in this denomination, my answer was I hoped so. There were some other questions that I sort of sidestepped. I know he had more questions but I wasn't prepared to answer them all at that time. Next month I have this review meeting coming up with my boss. The conditions of the meeting are such that I know this issue will come up again. This time I don't have the disire to sidestep the questions, nor do I think he would accept it.

So my next choice may impact a great many lives. Should I choose to continue towards transition it will effect my job, my wife, my congrigation, and my denomination and rather soon at that. I'm not saying that anything would necessarily happen next month, things move rather slowely in this denomination. But something is likely to happen this year, summer or fall at least.

There was a Star Trek movie where Spock sacrifices his life for the needs of the ship. He says, “the needs of the many always outweigh the needs of the few.” But I began to think, how exactly does this choice of mine impact others lives. Although my church and my congrigation may be shocked, in the overall scheme of things it is just a minor blip in their lives. Things will very shortly return to normal. The church will have someone to replace me in no time. So this causes me to ask, do the relitively minor needs of the many out weigh the major needs of one? Would it even be proper for me to give up what is esentially myself so that many others lives might not be inconvienced in some very small way?

There are only a few lives that may be impacted by my choices in any major way and that is my wife and family. So far the family members that I have talked to have accepted things very gracefully. I can't say that will be true about all my family members. Some of them haven't been real close in many years. I hope they can be as accepting but again since some of us aren't very close the overall impact in our lives is fairly minor. The two that my choices impact the most directly are my daughter and my wife.

My daughter, who is married and out of the house is good with this. She has passed on to me some of her clothing that she outgrew, asks me from time to time if Anita's been out and is very supportive. My wife feels the greatest impact of my choices and that through no fault of her own. She wants to continue in this ministry and I can't believe that the leadership will allow me to continue in it. She and I are still close but we acknowledge that we are moving on diverging paths. It sometimes happen that two people who love each other follow diverging paths. Some well known Christians couples of the past lived their lives largely apart. So even in Christian circles this is not entirely unknown. If I continue to persue transition. This would mean seperation, possibly divorce. Both my wife and I have asked ourselves the question, are we being selfish for wanting, I'd say needing, to do what we have been persuing. Sometimes I still question do I have the right to put her through this.

If it is always true that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few then there is only one choice I must make. Simply tell myself I was wrong, to stop my persuit of transition, stop the crossdressing and ignore this need. This meets the needs of the greatest number of people it and it would only cost me an entire life of pain, anguish, drudgery and even suicidal thoughts. With this decision life could contiue as I know it. My ministry and marriage would be intact, everyone would be happy, everyone but myslef that is. It's possible that I could convice everyone else that I was OK, that I was their idea of a good person and a dedicated christian/pastor. The problem is I would be miserable and life would once again become nearly unbearable. I've been down that road so many times before. No matter how hard I tried, how hard I prayed or how much time I spent reading my bible I've never been able to eradicate this thing out of my life, and believe me I have tried. This is me and I can't eradicate me.

So for now I will choose to continue to do what I must do. I will feel bad in some ways for the lives that this choice will impact. But mostly I will be concerned for my wife. I will pray for her and support her the best I can as I know she will me. Others may not understand, some may find fault that's OK I can live with that, it is after all my choice.

Anita

*For those not in the know HRT is the first step, other than therapy, in the process of transitioning to living as a female. For a male a Testosterone blocker is used and a female sex hormone is given. Eventually breasts begin to develop, the skin gets softer, muscle mass is reduced, some fat deposits are relocated and male pattern baldness may be arrested.